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March 12, 2006
Did anyone watch it last night?

I don’t usually watch it, but I was with friends who find it compulsive viewing, despite the fact that the programme researchers and advisors are clearly right out of touch with reality. I got shouted at many times for pointing out the glaring errors. Tell me if I was being unreasonable?

One of the storylines involved a woman coming home to her big new house in the country. As she pulls on the drive, there are two blokes loading boxes into a van. Surprisingly enough, these two turn out to be Billy Burglar and his brother Barry. Our heroine susses out that all is not well and the two villains jump in their van to escape.

The woman is not impressed and drives after them. There then follows a series of attempted PIT manoeuvres, where the woman in a Golf tries to push a Transit van off the road. When this fails, she overtakes and swerves to a stop in front of the van, with her side facing the oncoming vehicle (she’s not that bright, obviously). Inevitably, a T-bone collision ensues, leaving Billy Burglar trapped in his van, having made a very nice headprint on the windscreen. Our householder (who should really have known better, since she used to play PC Datta in The Bill) is also trapped, caught by her badly broken leg which is now wrapped three times round the steering column. Barry Burglar runs off when he sees that the victim is phoning the old bill.

There then follows the normal rescue scenes. Fire and Ambulance crews perform minor miracles while the local plod gets in the way. The two are released from their vehicles and then carted off to Holby casualty.

This is where it gets silly.

The police officer at the scene knows Billy Burglar and knows what he has been up to. In normal circumstances, Billy would obviously be arrested, but the fact that he is on a spinal board means that the Custody Sergeant would probably refuse to detain him. What should happen is that the suspect is escorted to hospital by a police officer. Not in Holby though – they are so trusting that they let him go, convinced that he won’t escape.

Our victim goes off to hospital as well. In these circumstances, common sense would tell you not to send them to the same hospital, but this is Holby and it would cause the scenery people a nightmare to have two A&E departments. It would also mean the casting department would have to find a new load of doctors, nurses and sick people to fill the other “hospital”. So, she also goes to Holby.

Next, we see both of them in A&E. On adjoining beds. Not a bobby in sight. Then two woodentops turn up and get told to wait outside. No danger of them cross-contaminating any forensic evidence. They ask Billy Burglar for a statement (WHAT?) before being sent off to get a cup of tea. Hang on, who is going to keep an eye on him in case he does one out the fire exit? As the two bobbies turn the corner, who should appear but Barry Burglar? The woman tells her husband that the young lad is also involved, so he being a sensible kind of chap grabs young Barry and tries to push him through a wall. Luckily, the two bobbies have got to the canteen to find it closed and come back just in time to break up the fight. After a struggle, the bobby asks Barry what has been going on and calls him “sir”. I ask you – who in their right mind calls a teenage chav “sir”?

At some point, the bobby realises that he can’t get out of it and decides to lock Barry up.

While all this is going on, Billy Burglar suddenly develops an adverse reaction to having a steering wheel rammed into his guts and does the usual Casualty trick of going into cardiac arrest. Barry comes rushing in, not cuffed and then has a go at our poor unfortunate victim for killing his brother. The doctor sends them all out and Barry is led into the corridor. Given his past performance, I would have had him cuffed and stuffed in the van, but these two decide that Barry needs to stand around in the hospital for a bit longer and be interviewed about the burglary. No need to bother with the niceties of a caution, interview room, tape machine, PACE and all that nonsense, just ask him what was going on and tell him if he coughs he’ll get a reduced sentence.

Next, Billy dies, of course. The two bobbies, being compassionate souls, let Barry in to say goodbye (as if Billy would hear it) and then take him off to the nick. Leaving the body of a crash victim and burglar in the same room as the victims!!! SOCO will have a fit when they find out about the continuity issues.

In the end, it turns out that the victim’s husband had arranged for Billy and Barry to do the burglary as an insurance job. Since when did burglars advertise in Yellow Pages? How come this bloke can find two burglars at the drop of a hat, when it takes our burglary team weeks to lock one up?

I’ve sent an e-mail to the BBC, offering my services as a Police advisor. Trouble is, the reality of police work is rarely as exciting as making it up, so I think they may turn me down.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. 200 permalink
    March 12, 2006 21:21

    nice piece, yep I watched it and thought much the same as you.

    I’m usually looking out for the first patient to go tachycardic or be in VF, they have hundreds every week, it’s my favourite phrase.

    Thanks for the link BTW!

  2. Anonymous permalink
    March 12, 2006 21:30

    Can you please explain what PIT is.



  3. thinblueline permalink
    March 13, 2006 13:15

    TV .. tis great

  4. Sharon J permalink
    March 14, 2006 02:49

    FFS! Just left a long comment for Blogger to tell me they’re experiencing problems and to try again later!

    Getting police procedure wrong isn’t half as bad as leading people to believe that they can have thier bowel removed and be put on artificial feeding in just a couple of days. I was in hospital for four months for the same thing!


  5. Anonymous permalink
    March 15, 2006 09:59

    Quality reading! Thank god the BBC mentioned about the police blogs in the news section or the last two days at work would have gone a lot slower. Keep up the good work.

  6. ExtraSpecialCopper permalink
    April 9, 2006 10:20

    Dont bother asking to be a police adviser, just beome a critic!! Far more entertaining 🙂

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