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Customers (1)

February 17, 2006

Mainly for the benefit of my non-police readers, I’m hoping to do a series of blogs giving an insight into the type of people that police officers all over the country have to deal with.

Hopefully, these will also serve to reassure my colleagues in other forces that they are not alone!

I’ll start with our most common customer – the Drunk.

Drunks fall into a number of categories, each requiring slightly different techniques to deal with them.

1 – The Fighting Drunk.

Usually aged between 16 and 30, predominantly male, the Fighting Drunk is usually seen on a weekend night. Resplendent in their uniform of Top Man shirt and faded jeans, they prowl in packs, looking for any female of dubious taste and virtue. If they don’t “pull” (which more often than not they don’t) then they drown their sorrows in lager. (otherwise known as Fighting Water)

When the clubs turn out, they start a fight with anyone who commits one of the cardinal sins; “looking at me funny”; “pushing in front at the kebab shop”; “nicking my taxi” or “going out with my ex-bird!”

The Fighting Drunk usually wakes up with a bad hangover, ripped shirt and a charge of Threatening Behaviour.

2 – The Annoying Drunk

Seen in the same habitat as the Fighting Drunk, this creature doesn’t show the same violent tendencies, which makes them more difficult to deal with. They can’t be locked up for asking for a lift home (It says “POLICE” not “TAXI” you f***wit) or for asking advice in applying to join the job.

In the old days, we could chuck them in the van and dump them in the next county. The Human Rights Act and IPCC have put paid to that means of disposal, leaving us with only one option. Send them to talk to a Special Constable.

3 – The Constant Drunk

These can be found at all times of the day and night and are usually noticeable by their distinctive scent. The heady aroma of cider, sweat and urine fills your nostrils from a range of five yards.

No amount of counselling or punishment will change their behaviour, so the best you can do is avoid them. Regardless of performance targets, no officer should ever consider arresting a Constant Drunk. If you find one lying unconscious, get a paramedic to examine them. If they are dead, the medic will confirm it without you having to do CPR. If they are alive, the ambulance crew can take them to hospital, which saves a Police car from fumigation. Alcoholics also have a tendency to die suddenly when in a comfortable room, which will not make you popular with a Custody Sergeant.

Whatever the species of drunk, all exhibit one common characteristic – if someone in uniform stays too close for too long, the drunk will vomit all over the wearer.

Keep your distance!

7 Comments leave one →
  1. David permalink
    February 18, 2006 20:42

    What happened to the old “Drunk & disorderly”, known as D&D, or “Drunk & incapable” otherwise known as “Refusing to fight”?

  2. Lennie Briscoe permalink
    February 19, 2006 23:31

    Ya missed one!.. the “Too young to be Drunk”, Drunk. Carrying the familiar alco-pop bottle and denying all association with alcohol..

  3. David permalink
    February 22, 2006 16:09


    That was known as sniffing the barmaids apron….

  4. Rue St. Michel permalink
    February 23, 2006 16:34

    What annoys you about being a Constable?

    Take the Poll…

  5. Sharon J permalink
    March 2, 2006 15:55

    My father belongs in the last category and has been delivered back to his place of residence (my mum’s house) on numerous occassions by the good people at the local nick. My daughter occassionally belongs in the category you forgot to mention (the alcopop one) but has only once needed assistance. Thankfully, she doesn’t make a habit of it and is happy to peacefully accept that she’s drunk and ought to go home (there – that’d be a quid in your pocket!).

    ~Sharon J (wondering whether she’s being naive regarding daughter)

  6. Stan Still permalink
    March 2, 2006 18:04

    Sharon – that means I can buy a bar of Fruit and Nut

  7. Anonymous permalink
    April 9, 2006 10:26

    Do you have something against special constables then??

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