Please - if you find a grenade, leave it where it is!!

This story from the Express and Star in Wolverhampton has prompted me to publish a Public Service Announcement.

Every now and again - someone finds a grenade, mortar shell or unexploded bomb in their garden, garage or attic.

Naturally, they get very concerned and want the bloody thing away from the house as soon as possible.

Thinking they are doing the right thing, they bring it to a Police Station. This is not a good idea*

The officer on that there front desk is even less keen to have it in the Police Station.

You see, if you ring us and tell us that there is a grenade, mortar or bomb in the house, we will send a team of very nice people round to make you feel valued. These highly trained operatives will then kick you and your neighbours out of your houses, into the local pub (if it’s still open), where you can all reminisce about the war and when beer was thruppence ha’penny a gallon. If you’re unlucky, you’ll end up in the church hall, with bingo and the smell of Mrs Johnson’s embrocation and colostomy bag.

If you bring it to the station, we have to kick you out into the High Street, where there is nowhere for you to have a cup of tea. Unless you fancy a Starbucks? We then have to kick everybody out of the Police Station, in case this device has become viable and spontaneously explodes. The easy bit is getting the PCs out of the nick - they’ll jump in a panda and get as far away as possible in case a statement is required or some standing outside has to be done. The prisoners are quite happy to be escorted away from the nick - it gives them chance to conjure up a plan to escape with a couple of their new mates.

The difficult ones to extract are the bosses and the support staff, who are doggedly determined not to leave the comfort of their offices. Would you stand in a cold, draughty yard when the central heating is cranked up to maximum? Some of these senior officers haven’t taken their uniform out in the streets for years and the material might not be able to take the strain. Not to mention the risk to passing motorists due to stray reflections off some of the shiny arsed trousers, polished by years of driving a desk.

No, all in all, it’s best if you leave your wartime relic where you found it and call us just before you are planning to go out for the day anyway. We’ll do our best to make sure that the controlled explosion doesn’t disturb the dog, or rip up your rose beds.

*For those of you who are lucky enough to reside in Ruralshire, you can take your finds to Inspector Gadget . Even if he’s not on duty, he can be called out at any time to deal with whatever explosive device you may have found. He doesn’t charge you anything and best of all, because he gets no overtime, it doesn’t cost the taxpayer a penny more.

Man shot by Taser injures self and dies

Much too early to speculate on how he died, but I have no doubt that there will be calls for Taser to be banned!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7198742.stm

(First posted on Police Oracle forum 1121 20/01/0

Metal detectors in schools

The latest plan from the funny farm!

The Home Secretary, in an attempt to divert attention away from all the other stupid decisions she has made, has publicised plans to install metal detectors in hundreds of schools to combat knife crime.

So Mrs Smith, how will this be managed?

Will there be several hundred police officers on duty every morning at schools, staffing the detectors, to seize any weapons found and to deal with the carriers? I don’t think so.

Will private security guards, with no powers of search, be used? Possibly - more money that will have to be found out of school budgets?

How about using the teachers, who do have delegated powers to search? Hang on - isn’t their job to teach kids, not to frisk them before they get into lessons?

What a complete and utter waste of time and money this will be. It is a complete non-starter. Kids have been smuggling fags, booze and porn into school for years and will find a way to get knives past the detector. In fact, they don’t need to, as there will be plenty of knives and other sharp objects in the Design department, so why bother bringing their own?

Somebody somewhere will make a fortune out of supplying these detectors and somebody else will get shafted with the responsibility of staffing the doors. It’s a recipe for disaster!

(First posted on Police Oracle forum 1048 20/01/0

Thug given ASBO and quad bike lessons

A story in today’s Shropshire Star.

Why is he being “offered treats”?

Why can’t he earn them like the rest of us?

With a bit of luck, he’ll go too fast and break his neck, thus taking himself out of the gene pool.

(First posted on Police Oracle forum 1407 19/01/0

Yorkshire Ripper….

…..attacked in prison.

Does this face look bothered?

Compare and contrast!

Here is a post I have just submitted to the Police Oracle forum.

 OK - try this for size. I’ve found this on a government web site. so it must be true!

In May 1997, the basic salary for a commons minister was £43,860 - considerably more than a PC was getting in those days - and I should know!

In April 2007, the basic salary for a commons minister was £60,675.

This means that their salary has increased by £16,815 in that ten year period.

Now bear in mind that the government tell us that our pay has increased by 39% in this period.

Funnily enough, £16,815 is 38.3% of £43,860, so the BASIC salary of an MP has increased by about the same rate as our pay!!

How do they justify this then?

What these figures DON’T include are the expenses that MPs can claim.

This is when it starts to get interesting!

Read this document if there is nothing on telly!

To cut to the chase, read Table 9, which gives a summary of MP’s expenses and allowances over the last ten years.

To simplify matters - In 1997, MPs received an office allowance, additional cost allowance and London weighting allowance totalling £61,213.

Now, they are allowed Staffing Allowance, Additional Costs, Incidental Expenses and London Weighting Allowance, totalling £132,538.

This is an increase in allowances of £71,325 or 116%

In 1994, police recruits lost Housing Allowance. We have since lost plain clothes allowance, refreshment and subsistence allowance and numerous other little bits, as well as giving up the first half hour of unplanned overtime.

Check my figures and tell me if I’m wrong, then read about some of the other allowances I haven’t included, like 20 odd pence a mile for riding a bike!! These are the BASIC salaries of bog standard MPs - there are little extras for more “senior” figures.

What really gets my goat is the severance allowance. If their constituents vote them out, they get three months salary as a little handshake!

I would suggest you include these little gems in any correspondence with your MP!

Paying for sex should be outlawed

At last - a Government policy proposal I can agree with.

This must mean that they are going to scrap the CSA!

I’ve been paying for sex since my divorce - I dread to think how much those two legovers have cost me!

Fuel price demo falls flat.

Nationwide protests against the rising cost of fuel failed to attract as many demonstrators as organisers hoped.

Could it be that they couldn’t afford the petrol to get there?

Call to account

 Olympics costs ‘could rise again’

A government report is warning there is a 20% chance the cost of staging the 2012 Olympic Games in London could rise again, the BBC has learned.

It comes after ministers announced a budget for the event of £9.3bn in March - a figure four times higher than that foreseen in the original Olympics bid.

They are now set to publish their most detailed breakdown of the costs.

BBC sports editor Mihir Bose says ministers are confident the budget is “robust”, despite persistent criticism.

He says this confidence is likely to be exuded by Olympics minister Tessa Jowell when she makes a written statement on details of the budget to the House of Commons later.

In November, the House of Commons public accounts committee attacked ministers over planning for the event, saying foreseeable costs had been “grossly underestimated”.

I didn’t vote for it.

I don’t know anyone who voted for it.

Yet I’m going to end up paying for it.

How can this hypocritical government moan and whinge about public sector pay rises on the one hand, then approve increases in the Olympic budget on such a massive scale?

The Home Office may have saved £30million by reneging on an established pay deal, but that is a drop in the ocean compared to the vast sums being pumped into yet another white elephant in London.

Don’t tell him Pike!

Pc Neil Pike swam to the man’s aid in the River Thames

A police constable who dived into the River Thames to save a man who jumped off a bridge has been commended as “extremely brave” by senior officers.

Pc Neil Pike was called to Bridge Road, Chertsey, to reports of a man threatening to attempt suicide.

He managed to reach him in the water and got them both to safety with the help of a buoyancy aid dropped from a police helicopter.

Ch Insp Dave Kelley paid tribute to the “professionalism” of Pc Pike.

The incident took place at about 1420 GMT on Saturday.

‘Reacted instinctively’

Video footage shot from the police helicopter showed the man sitting on the edge of the bridge, lowering himself over and then falling.

He could then be seen afloat in the water for several minutes before Pc Pike appeared and got the buoyancy aid to him.

He said afterwards: “I am pleased that I was able to help to save a life.”

The man involved was taken to hospital for treatment, while the officer suffered shock caused by the cold water in the Thames.

Ch Insp Kelley said: “Pc Pike was extremely brave to risk his own life in order to save another, and reacted instinctively to the scene as it unfolded in front of him.

“Without his fast actions… the man could have died.”

This is the sort of thing police officers do on a daily basis. They risk their lives for other people. They don’t do it for the money. They don’t do it for the glory. They do it because it is the right thing to do.

There are no performance criteria against which this sort of action can be measured. There are no government targets for rescuing people out of rivers, burning buildings, smashed up cars, hostage situations, failed relationships, drug addiction or alcoholism. Yet all of these things are done by police officers each and every day.

For this, what reward do we get?

We get a total lack of support from the Home Office, who expect us to perform these duties as well as meet a raft of targets that do absolutely nothing to improve the quality of service that the police provide.

We get the uninformed comments from members of the public. (There are some informed comments amongst this lot, but read through a few and you’ll see what I mean.)

We get abused for stepping into the fray. We get abused for not turning up on time when something more urgent is happening. We get assaulted, insulted, villified, accused of being fascist, racist, homophobic, uncaring and power mad.

Yet for all this, there are occasions when someone will say “Thank you”. I had such a case last night. I won’t go into details, but one man who had been through a hell of a time still found time to thank the officers that had helped him. Again, there’s no target or bonus for this sort of thing, but you know what?

It makes up for all the other crap!