Please - if you find a grenade, leave it where it is!!

This story from the Express and Star in Wolverhampton has prompted me to publish a Public Service Announcement.

Every now and again - someone finds a grenade, mortar shell or unexploded bomb in their garden, garage or attic.

Naturally, they get very concerned and want the bloody thing away from the house as soon as possible.

Thinking they are doing the right thing, they bring it to a Police Station. This is not a good idea*

The officer on that there front desk is even less keen to have it in the Police Station.

You see, if you ring us and tell us that there is a grenade, mortar or bomb in the house, we will send a team of very nice people round to make you feel valued. These highly trained operatives will then kick you and your neighbours out of your houses, into the local pub (if it’s still open), where you can all reminisce about the war and when beer was thruppence ha’penny a gallon. If you’re unlucky, you’ll end up in the church hall, with bingo and the smell of Mrs Johnson’s embrocation and colostomy bag.

If you bring it to the station, we have to kick you out into the High Street, where there is nowhere for you to have a cup of tea. Unless you fancy a Starbucks? We then have to kick everybody out of the Police Station, in case this device has become viable and spontaneously explodes. The easy bit is getting the PCs out of the nick - they’ll jump in a panda and get as far away as possible in case a statement is required or some standing outside has to be done. The prisoners are quite happy to be escorted away from the nick - it gives them chance to conjure up a plan to escape with a couple of their new mates.

The difficult ones to extract are the bosses and the support staff, who are doggedly determined not to leave the comfort of their offices. Would you stand in a cold, draughty yard when the central heating is cranked up to maximum? Some of these senior officers haven’t taken their uniform out in the streets for years and the material might not be able to take the strain. Not to mention the risk to passing motorists due to stray reflections off some of the shiny arsed trousers, polished by years of driving a desk.

No, all in all, it’s best if you leave your wartime relic where you found it and call us just before you are planning to go out for the day anyway. We’ll do our best to make sure that the controlled explosion doesn’t disturb the dog, or rip up your rose beds.

*For those of you who are lucky enough to reside in Ruralshire, you can take your finds to Inspector Gadget . Even if he’s not on duty, he can be called out at any time to deal with whatever explosive device you may have found. He doesn’t charge you anything and best of all, because he gets no overtime, it doesn’t cost the taxpayer a penny more.