Alternative to Father’s Day

To counter the slushy nonsense that is Valentine’s Day, a new festival has been announced.

Men in particular will welcome March 20th.

© Stan Still 2006 – if you want to copy my stuff, it would be polite to ask first!

If I was Chief Constable

This is not about career aspirations.

This is a scheme that my force has launched under the pretext of allowing each individual the chance to come up with revolutionary ideas to improve policing.

We’ve been asked to submit ideas and initiatives to improve policing and the contributors of the best ideas get a reward.

I think first prize is a promotion to Assistant Chief Constable. Second prize is Sir Ian Blair’s job

© Stan Still 2006 – if you want to copy my stuff, it would be polite to ask first!

Customers (1)

Mainly for the benefit of my non-police readers, I’m hoping to do a series of blogs giving an insight into the type of people that police officers all over the country have to deal with.

Hopefully, these will also serve to reassure my colleagues in other forces that they are not alone!

I’ll start with our most common customer – the Drunk.

Drunks fall into a number of categories, each requiring slightly different techniques to deal with them.

1 – The Fighting Drunk.

Usually aged between 16 and 30, predominantly male, the Fighting Drunk is usually seen on a weekend night. Resplendent in their uniform of Top Man shirt and faded jeans, they prowl in packs, looking for any female of dubious taste and virtue. If they don’t “pull” (which more often than not they don’t) then they drown their sorrows in lager. (otherwise known as Fighting Water)

When the clubs turn out, they start a fight with anyone who commits one of the cardinal sins; “looking at me funny”; “pushing in front at the kebab shop”; “nicking my taxi” or “going out with my ex-bird!”

The Fighting Drunk usually wakes up with a bad hangover, ripped shirt and a charge of Threatening Behaviour.

2 – The Annoying Drunk

Seen in the same habitat as the Fighting Drunk, this creature doesn’t show the same violent tendencies, which makes them more difficult to deal with. They can’t be locked up for asking for a lift home (It says “POLICE” not “TAXI” you f***wit) or for asking advice in applying to join the job.

In the old days, we could chuck them in the van and dump them in the next county. The Human Rights Act and IPCC have put paid to that means of disposal, leaving us with only one option. Send them to talk to a Special Constable.

3 – The Constant Drunk

These can be found at all times of the day and night and are usually noticeable by their distinctive scent. The heady aroma of cider, sweat and urine fills your nostrils from a range of five yards.

No amount of counselling or punishment will change their behaviour, so the best you can do is avoid them. Regardless of performance targets, no officer should ever consider arresting a Constant Drunk. If you find one lying unconscious, get a paramedic to examine them. If they are dead, the medic will confirm it without you having to do CPR. If they are alive, the ambulance crew can take them to hospital, which saves a Police car from fumigation. Alcoholics also have a tendency to die suddenly when in a comfortable room, which will not make you popular with a Custody Sergeant.

Whatever the species of drunk, all exhibit one common characteristic – if someone in uniform stays too close for too long, the drunk will vomit all over the wearer.

Keep your distance!

© Stan Still 2006 – if you want to copy my stuff, it would be polite to ask first!

Cops and Guns

Once again, the popular press is clamouring for the routine arming of police officers.

These are the same newspapers that crucify officers who use CS and batons in perfectly legitimate circumstances.

Imagine the reaction when a patrol officer shoots dead a 13 year old kid who is using an imitation firearm to commit robberies but is too stupid to put it down when challenged?

Until the press, government and senior management can demonstrate a greater understanding of the pressures that officers have to endure, they can keep the guns for those who volunteer.

PS – best wishes to PC Rachael Bown, who with almost two years service may well be one of the most experienced officers on her team, as opposed to the “rookie” that the papers describe her as. This is a classic example of the lack of knowledge of how policing works. It is also an insult to the officers who make up the front-line of policing, the majority of whom are young in service.

© Stan Still 2006 – if you want to copy my stuff, it would be polite to ask first!

Smoking Police

Our esteemed leaders have voted to ban smoking in public places. This planned law change won’t greatly affect me personally, as I am a lifelong non-smoker.

What hasn’t been discussed is how the ban is going to be enforced. Who will be charged with upholding the ban on lighting up in pubs and clubs across the country?

Let’s think about it – it’s 2.00 on Saturday morning and the Rizla club is packed. In the corner, a young girl sparks up a Marlboro. Who are the health conscious clubbers going to call? Well, it won’t be the local council, because they will be too busy thinking up a strategy. The health authority won’t be able to come out and slap a nicotine patch on our suspect, due to budget constraints. Forget Social Services, it’s the weekend – you can’t even get hold of them during office hours!

So who is left? You’re on patrol, trying to avoid people pissing in shop doorways, when the call comes over the air. “Any unit to respond to a report of smoking in the Rizla club?”

Here’s where the problems start. As a supervisor, I have a duty of care to my officers and a dynamic risk assessment would make it obvious that I couldn’t send them into the club without the correct protective equipment, so they would have to be issued with breathing apparatus

This sort of kit is not easy to carry on the average futility belt, so I foresee a specialist squad will have to be formed. This will place a huge burden on some of the smaller rural forces, who have already formed Foxhunt Teams. There is a real danger that the need to police these two huge threats to the fabric of society will result in officers being unable to perform their core tasks, which we all know are giving lifts home to drunks and having photos taken with hen parties.

I have a proposal – give the Fire Service powers to deal with unlawful smoking. They have experience in dealing with the tools used by the criminals, they have all the necessary safety equipment and the added advantage of a container holding thousands of gallons of water to deal with a mass transgression of the law. It will also stop them getting bored at night and falling asleep.

You heard it here first, Mr Clarke.

© Stan Still 2006 – if you want to copy my stuff, it would be polite to ask first!

Cattle class

Mrs Still and I recently enjoyed a package holiday in a warmer part of the world.

(Sorry to break the bad news to all my groupies, but yes, I am spoken for.)

One of the things I hate most about package holidays is being treated like a package on the flight. Anyone over 5 feet tall will understand the discomfort of being wedged into your average charter flight seat. If someone reclines their seat six rows in front of you, the resulting shock wave will knock your seat tray into your solar plexus and leave you gasping for breath.

To avoid this problem, I took the precaution of booking seats with extra leg-room. I phoned the travel agent and received a grilling on my medical history that rivalled an examination by a certain police surgeon who shall remain anonymous (I think she got a thrill out of asking male officers to drop their trousers. I was examined after we arrested a bloke who complained that we used too much force to restrain him. I grazed my hand, which was the only injury, yet down came the trousers!)

I was asked if I was fit, impaired, disabled, drugged and all sorts, as the extra leg-room seats are next to the emergency exits. That made a lot of sense – who wants to rely on some ninety year old with arthritis and a dodgy ticker when the plane is about to explode?

So how do the travel company justify the fact that on our outward flight, the emergency exits, apart from mine, were covered by a load of coffin-dodgers? One bloke was so stressed by his responsibility that he polished off over half of a litre bottle of Bells whisky during the flight!

Next time, I think I’ll book a cruise.

© Stan Still 2006 – if you want to copy my stuff, it would be polite to ask first!

Not guilty!

So Sion Jenkins has been cleared of the murder of his foster daughter, albeit there is still some doubt about the way the evidence has been presented.

I still don’t think he’ll be asked to babysit very often.

© Stan Still 2006 – if you want to copy my stuff, it would be polite to ask first!

Sir Chris Fox is retiring

Who? You may ask.

The president of ACPO is packing up his pencils and bean bags, but before he goes, he’s getting a few things off his chest.

OPERATIONAL officers must 'soften their image' in the eyes of the public by wearing less body armour, the outgoing president of ACPO told Police Review this week.

Sir Chris Fox said police officer health and safety was crucial to every chief constable but he was concerned that, because of the protective clothing some officers wear, people might think they walk the streets 'ready for battle'.

The 56-year-old conceded that officers not wearing armour such as stab vests 'might lead to more injuries' but he added the choice of what to wear on duty should be left up to individual officers regardless of any health and safety concerns.

Seeing as he probably hasn't patrolled the streets for thirty odd years, I'll take his advice with a pinch of salt.


POLICE officer numbers could be cut by anything up to 10,000 to make way for better technology, the outgoing president of ACPO predicted this week.

Sir Chris Fox said he sees the number of officers falling to pay for improved IT systems to help cut bureaucracy - allowing operational officers to spend more time on the front line.

In an interview with Police Review to mark his retirement in April after three years as ACPO's first full time president, Sir Chris said the public 'underestimate the professional skills' of the 140,000 English and Welsh police officers. But at the same time, he believes there could be around 10,000 fewer of them in the future.

Sir Chris said: 'I think this is probably the highest number of police officers there is likely to be. It will come down... because I think a number of things will drive it down. Financial settlement means that forces will not be able to afford the pay bill.

That will reassure the public then, knowing that an Apple Mac will be patrolling their street to keep the hoodies at bay.

If anyone wants to see the whole story, they’ll have to buy Police Review or go to their web site. Don’t expect to see any solutions to the real problems though.

© Stan Still 2006 – if you want to copy my stuff, it would be polite to ask first!

Sidebar

Thanks to those of you who have put my blog on their sidebar.

When I’ve got a few minutes, I’ll return the favour.

© Stan Still 2006 – if you want to copy my stuff, it would be polite to ask first!

Missing Persons

A conversation overheard at a Police Station.

“I would like to report a missing person.”

“OK – what’s the person’s name?”

“I don’t know”

“Can you give me a description?”

“No – sorry”

“Why not?”

“Because I’ve never seen them. In fact, there might be more than one person missing.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we were told that there were more police officers now than there has ever been, but no-one seems to know where they are.”

“Sergeant, stop bothering me with policing matters, I’ve got far more important things to worry about.”

“Sorry Superintendent, just thought you might know when they were going to appear on my shift.”

© Stan Still 2006 – if you want to copy my stuff, it would be polite to ask first!